


Helping My Baby

by kallie_larry_forever



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, Gay, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-07-12 21:00:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7122406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kallie_larry_forever/pseuds/kallie_larry_forever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan is struggling with self-harming and Phil tries to help</p>
            </blockquote>





	Helping My Baby

Dan and Phil have recently come out and told their subscribers about their relationship. Most people have been supportive, but quite a few people were giving the two hate, especially Dan. The fans don't know this, but Dan has recently being battling depression again , and people tweeting shit like "you don't deserve Phil you piece of shit", and "you're nothing but a gay fucking loser" really isn't helping him . Dan has a problem with self harming. No matter how many times Phil begs him stop, and no matter how many times Dan promise to stop, he can't. No matter how hard he tries, he can not fight to urge for the blade to slice his skin. Pain is his addiction, the blade is the supplier and cutting is his drug  
Phil is currently in the shower, and Dan thinks he has enough time  before Phil will be out of the shower and dressed. Dan got off the lounge and walked into their bedroom. He walked over to the bookshelf and grabbed his squirtle plush. Dan has made a slight cut between the shell and the body of squirtle that is large enough to hide a razor blade , but small enough that Phil wouldn't notice if he picked up the plush. Dan grabbed the blade and sat on the desk chair. He took his jumper off and stretched his left arm out. He pushed the short sleeve of his t-shirt up onto his shoulder and looked at the horizontal  scars across his arm. Dan sighed and made a long cut vertically down his forearm. He cut straight down through his healing cuts. He made another cut, this time deeper. "Phil would be better off without me. I'm better of dead," he said over and over, cutting again and again until there was four long deep cuts. There was blood dropping down his arm and onto the pale blue carpet. He dropped the blade and started to cry.  
Dan felt two arms wrap around him. Phil kissed the top of Dan's head. "Don't cry baby."  
Dan looked up at Phil, "I'm so sorry."  
"Don't be,"Phil shook his head and forced a smile. "Let's go and get you cleaned up  baby."  
Phil led Dan into the bathroom and had him sit on the toilet seat. Phil grabbed the disinfectant, and some paper towel they kept in the bathroom for situations like this. Phil started to clean the cuts, but stopped when he saw how deep one of them was.  
"Um Dan, I think we need to get you to the hospital," Phil said uneasily.  
"What? Why?" Dan looked at his arm and noticed what Phil meant. One of the cuts was so deep that it needed stitches. Phil taped some gauze to Dan's arm and went to finish getting dressed. Dan only just noticed that Phil didn't have a shirt on. Dan walked into his room and grabbed one of his flannelette shirts. Dan struggled to get his arm into it and Phil helped him before putting on his green shirt with the penguin wearing a jetpack. Dan smiled slightly at his boyfriends shirt. It was his favourite shirt on Phil

The drive to the hospital didn't take long, and they only had to wait in the waiting room for about 10-15 minutes. When they got in the see the doctor, Dan was clinging to Phil. As well as his depression, Dan also has anxiety and a few other issues.  
"So what seems to be the problem?" The doctor asked when the two boys sat down.  
Dan stayed quiet.  
"Um he has cut his forearm pretty deep," Phil said uneasily.  
"Ok, can I please have a look at it," the doctor asked.  
Dan tried to take of the flannelette shirt, but was struggling. Phil helped him get it off, and rolled up Dan's shirt before undoing the gauze.  
The doctor had a sad expression on his face when he saw the cuts. He got up and went over to a cabinet on the other side of the room.  
He came back with a small tray. He cleaned up Dan's arm and Dan winced  in pain. Phil squeezed his hand and forced a small smile. Phil was so worried about Dan.  
Dan was on the verge of tears as the doctor stitched his arm up, but it wasn't from the doctor stitching his arm up. He was almost crying because he felt like he had failed the love of his life. Once Dan's arm was stitched up, the doctor gave him a prescription for a cream to put on his arm, and gave something to Phil.

Dan was quiet the whole way home. Never speaking nor looking at Phil.  As soon as they got home, Dan was still trying not to cry and went into the kitchen. Phil followed him, and saw his boyfriend sitting on the floor in front of the oven crying. Phil walked over and sat down next to Dan. Dan noticed Phil and wiped his eyes.  
"Dan can you please talk to me baby? I love you."  
Dan didn't look at Phil and mumbled, "I love you too."  
"Can you please talk to me?'' Phil pleaded.  
Dan like looked down and played with his sleeve, "About what?"  
Phil sighed and looked at his boyfriend sadly, "Dan, about you trying to kill yourself."  
Dan looked at Phil, "how did you know I wanted to kill myself?"  
"Because I heard you bub. I was coming in to ask you if you wanted to cuddle on the lounge and watch movies, and I heard you say that your better off dead."  
Dan was still crying slightly. He pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around his knees, "oh, I'm guessing you won't want to do that now."  
Phil put his hand on Dan's good arm and looked at him" I always want to do that with you. I love you Dan and nothing will ever change that. I will also never stop worrying about you."  
Dan looked up at Phil  through blotchy red eyes, "really?"  
Phil smiled and shook his head at his boyfriend, "Daniel Howell, i will never stop loving you, nor will i ever stop caring, which means i will never stop worrying. Babe, you are my whole world. I love you squirtle."  
Dan smiled slightly, "I love you too Charmander."  
Phil stood up and extended his hand out to Dan, "Lets go cuddle on the lounge and watch movies."  
Dan took Phil's hand and stood up.  
Dan went into the lounge room and sat on the lounge, and Phil went into their room to grab a blanket.  
Phil sat on the lounge next to Dan and pulled his boyfriend into his arms and threw the blanket over them. Dan curled into his boyfriends chest and thanked him for everything he has done.  
Phil put on a movie, "Don't thank me. I told you that I would do anything for you and never leave you. I meant it. I would really like it if you would talk to me though."  
Dan sighed, sat up and grabbed the remote. He paused the movie and curled back into his boyfriends chest," Ok, what do you want to know?"  
Phil kissed the top of Dan's head, "why did you want to kill yourself this morning?"  
"Um, sometimes I think that an ugly, stupid, pathetic piece of shit like me doesn't deserve someone as amazing and perfect as you."  
Phil sighed, "don't think like that. You're not ugly, your adorable, and you're  not pathetic, you're just fragile and clingy. And Dan, you're  not stupid. You do stupid things, doesnt mean you're stupid though."  
Phil ran his fingers through Dan's hair. "Can you answer something for me? And I want the truth."  
Dan froze. He knew what the question was, "um sure."  
"Why do you cut?"  
Dan sat up and looked at Phil, "You really want to know?" Phil nodded and Dan took a deep breath. "I do it for a couple of reasons. One being  that it has become an addiction."  
Phil was confused.  
"The pain is the addiction, the blade is the supplier and cutting is the drug."  
Phil was silent for a minute, "what is the other reason?"  
"It is a release. It helps release all my emotions. Mainly anger and sadness."  
Dan looked everywhere except at Phil.  
Phil stroked Dan's arm, "Its all going to be ok. If i help you, will you promise to try and stop?"  
Dan thought about it for a moment and sighed, "Fine"

That was a year ago, and Dan is 8 months clean. For the first four months, he would stop for a while, but then something would happen and he would relapse. After the last relapse, he curled into a ball on their bed with his head in Phil's lap and cried.  He said that he was scared. He was scared to lose Phil and he was scared that he might accidentally kill himself. It was hard for Dan for a while but now he is okay, and the urge to cut is almost nonexistent though it is still there.

The boys were getting ready to meet their friends for lunch, but Dan being Dan couldn't decide which black shirt to wear.  
"Dan they all look the same, just put one on."  
"Phil I'll have you know they are not the same."  
Dan eventually decided on a shirt, and the two all but ran to catch the tube.  
When they got to the restaurant, they were the last ones to arrive. Joe, Caspar, Tanya, Jim, Louise, Troye, Tyler, Zoe and Alfie were already there.  
Phil sat down next to Tyler and Dan sat next to Phil and Joe.  
"Sorry, Dan couldn't decide which of his many identical black shirts to wear."  
The whole group laughed.  
"Zoe, you said that you and Alfie have something to tell us," Dan pointed out  
"You're not pregnant are you sis?" Joe laughed.  
Alfie smirked, "actually yes."  
Everyone went silent and looked at Zoe. Joe's jaw dropped, "I'm going to be an uncle?"  
Zoe laughed at her brother, "Yes, you and Caspar are going to be uncles."  
Caspar looked like he was going to faint.  
"So now two members of the group are pregnant and there is going to be three children," Tanya pointed out rubbing her largish stomach.  
"Um, actually there will be four. We are kind of having twins," Zoe explained.  
"Bloody hell Zoe," Joe laughed and Caspar fell of his chair and fainted.  
"How far along are you?" Louise asked  
"Almost 8 weeks."  
Caspar's head shot up, "TWINS!?"  
Joe slapped his husband, "shut up idiot, everyone is looking"  
The whole gang laughed.  
Troye looked past his fiance to Dan and Phil, "With the exception of you two guys, everyone is getting married and starting a family."  
Dan's smile dropped, and literally everyone noticed. Phil rubbed Dan's back, "what wrong baby?"  
Dan faked a smile, "nothing."  
All through lunch Dan was smiling and laughing, but Phil knew it was fake. He knew there was something was wrong, and Phil was determined to find out what.

When they got home, Dan grabbed his laptop off the coffee and sat on the lounge. Phil sat next to Dan and took his laptop, "hey, I was using that."  
"Dan, what was wrong today?"  
"Nothing was wrong Phil."  
Phil raised his eyebrows, "then why did you get upset when Troye mentioned that we are the only couple not getting married and starting a family."  
Dan got up, and Phil grabbed his arm, "please don't shut me out again." Both boys were on the brink of tears. Dan pulled out of Phil's grip and walked out of the room. Dan went to their room, and sat on their bed. For the first time in nearly two months, all he could think about was the absent feeling of the blade on his skin. Phil was worried about Dan. He got off the lounge and went looking for him. When Phil saw that he wasn't in their room, he panicked. He went into the bathroom and found Dan curled in the corner crying. Phil sat on the floor and pulled his boyfriend into his arms.  
"I'm sorry Phil," Dan sobbed into his boyfriends chest.  
"What are you sorry for?"  
Dan looked at his boyfriend through red blotchy eyes, "I almost did it Phil. I almost cut."  
"Listen to what you said baby, 'almost', you didn't do it though."  
Dan wiped his eyes and looked at Phil, "I love you."  
Phil pushed Dan's fringe out of his face," I love you too."  
Dan got up and Phil raised an eyebrow. Dan laughed, "I don't think either of us wants to spend the afternoon on the bathroom floor." Phil got up and followed Dan into the lounge room. Dan sat on the lounge and Phil sat next to him.  
"Would you like to tell me what was wrong today?"  
"Oh, um, it is just that when Troye mentioned that we are the only ones in our group not getting married and starting a family, it um got to me."  
"What do you mean Bub?"  
"Isn't it obvious? I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want a family with you."


End file.
